Most people realize depression, at least in part, is a cycle. At least, that's how I see mine. I go through periods of incredible stability followed by periods of instability. It always cycles.
Sometimes it's easy to break the unstable cycle and drift back into stability. Other times, I keep getting pulled back in no matter how hard I fight. Then comes the frustration. It's easy to lash out at others... wanting to place the blame on anyone but myself, because I am already hurting. Some people deal with their frustration by lashing out, but that's not me. I pull it back in and let it ricochet around.
Today, I intend out to lash out... not directly. I want to vent in the most non-violent and creative way possible... and of course, here is this blog. So here it goes...the lashing.
If you are in need, I will make plans and set aside time to sit and listen. I will absorb your troubles and let you bounce your rants off of me. You will apologize, and I will tell you there is no need. It helps me to help you. I may have other things to do, but for those moments, everything else is cut out of my view and I am there. I travel miles and spend hours for the sake of you feeling better.
If I am in need, I am left alone. There is always something more important and more pressing. I am left dropping subtle hints... and I remain subtle because I care and I understand that I am not the center of the universe... I don't take pride in my pain. I may cry out, plain as day... but the best I receive is the equivalent to a pat on the head and a "cheer up, buddy." I take this all in stride. I am a good sport. I kindly bow out and am left to sulk it out.
I am tired. I am so tired of being the nice guy, but I have no desire to turn into some demanding prick that is always grabbing for attention. I don't want therapy, I don't want drugs, I don't want to die and most of all, I don't want to feel this way anymore. There is no easy answer. There just isn't.
Honestly, the most frustrating thing of all is that with all of my friends .... I didn't think I'd have to lay this all out. Now that I have it laid out, it will either distance people more or people will pay more attention, at least for a little while, out of guilt, pity or sense of obligation.
Yes, I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. Yes, I know there are people that love and depend on me..... but I guess that is the point. I don't feel like I am allowed to depend on anyone. I don't feel like I can. I don't trust anyone anymore to depend on them. At all.
If you were having a good day before reading this, I apologize for shitting on your sidewalk.
