32313 - Self-Loathing

Self-loathing by Meztone

“When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters


I have recently realized that I often hesitate to bring up my own personal issues with others as I am afraid of burdening them. I don't seek help until I am near desperation [or deeply entrenched in it]. I have an overwhelming sense of self-reliance and am reluctant to trust other people, even those closest to me. I sometimes make things worse [by doing this], often to my own determent, then feel guilty when I need rescued. I [very] often feel like I have to fix everyone else's problems before I attend to myself. I see this as a flaw and the guilt deepens. The guilt festers and becomes self-loathing.

22713 fracture

The number 3. The number is a constant in my life. 3 is a number of completion ... perfection in my mind. Duality is not enough, it must be trinity. Balance in the triangle. I always thought I had two personalities., one that was for me and another for everyone else. The one for myself I named Dæmon. The second is John, the one everyone knows. But I've found that since I became a father, there has been a shift. John dominated and Dæmon fractured. He was always there under the surface, the dark one. He who was called Säko is now Æon. Perhaps the Æontriad was within me rather than in the world.

Perspective.

3613

The quest to relate. Not to belong, because belonging hints at ownership. Companionship maybe. That feeling that wavelengths are in sync but without the obligation to devote sole ownership of that connection.

The thought alludes to a reluctance to commitment, but that is not the intention. This grounding and then burying of primal needs breeds frustration and contempt. Devotion means to sacrifice freedom to change. The freedom to adapt and grow.

Nothing is eternal. Even the raging inferno is eventually reduced to cinders and ash.

The universe is built on the foundation of constant change & turmoil. But in this turmoil there is purpose.