Your Argument is Invalid

Whether you are right or wrong, if your argument is littered with blatant spelling or grammatical errors. it is rendered invalid in my eyes.

Part of this is due to the medium. Think of it this way. When I read something, I'm reading it with a voice in my head. If you misspell a few words, that voice becomes slurred, so in effect, it's like arguing with a drunk. Your errors may not, in reality, be representative of your actual intelligence level, but my perception of your intelligence level is impacted.

Also, when you sit and type something, your are representing yourself. You are making an impression on the reader. If that impression is sloppy, slurred, and full of hate speech, you will not get very far with me.

On a related note, short-hand works for texting and such, but make sure you are using common short-hand. If I have to sit here with my decoder ring (aka Google, Urban Dictionary), I won't even bother reading it. So, if you are trying to make a point, make it clear.

You can thank the merciless, sharp, and scathing criticism of my high school English teacher for this rant. As much as I loathed diagramming sentences, at least I can string together a coherent thought.

If I have struck a nerve and you are ready to turn away from your sinful ways, please see this.

The Chronicles of Depression, part 4: Aftermath

Christmas Eve. Post work day. Tired.

Think of tomorrow. It will be the only day off I get for the holiday. A day full of food, presents, family and friends. Then, back to the grind Monday morning, 6:30 AM. 

Since I started working, roughly 1998, I have not enjoyed an extended holiday break. It seems we always have to cram festivities where they fit. For some reason, this year already seems different. Previously, I had anxiously awaited Christmas, and since my daughter came along a few years ago, it injected a whole new level of excitement. This year, I've almost dreaded the day.

I'm not sure why, but this year seemed like so much more work, even though I've done very little. No shopping. no food preparation (yet). My wife has taken the brunt of the work and I feel guilty about it. But, like the anti-depressant commercial, I just feel like a deflated balloon. 

I can't help thinking about all of the tasks I have to do tomorrow. Start the food, drive to pick people up, gift exchanges, forcing smiles, eat the food, deal with family drama, take people home. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I had an extra day to recover. 

I know this seems like one big "Woe is me." I should just wake up, appreciate what I have, think of those who don't have family and friends to share the holiday with, but franking (and uncharacteristically) I simply don't care. 

Seasonal depression? Maybe. Burnout? Most probably. Self-loathing? Definitely. 

If you are reading this, I suppose I should apologize for bringing you down on such a joyous holiday. I won't. I guess the point is that I just wanted to make clear to certain people why I just don't seem as appreciative of their gestures as of late. 

Those who known me well, are well aware how deeply contemplative I am with everything that happens in my life. These recent weeks have left me without the energy to contemplate. When one is left without contemplation, one becomes confused. When one is confused, one is afraid. 

If there is one word that would describe my state of being of late, it would be disjointed. Writing about it, regardless of how many people read it, helps. This is my contemplation. This helps beat back the confusion. This helps keep the fear at bay. 

"I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear."

Moral Decline

If our country is in a moral decline, that means there was a time when our country was more moral than it is today. When was that exactly? Before Vietnam? Before the Civil Rights movement? Before women's suffrage? At what point was America at it's moral peak? Was it when the great white American man held all the power?

Gremlins by Ken Taylor

Justice - Civilization

Stand in line as we march to the drums of the east, 
Paralyzed and possessed by crusaders deceased, 
Lost in the silence, the call from the turbulent times.
Bound by the science that lives on the lips of the wise.

The beating of a million drums.
The fire of a million guns.
The mother of a million sons.

Civilization

Lost in the silence, they bow to the call of the east.
Tantalized and seduced by the demons released.
Ears to the ground by the name of the merciless sky.
Onto the fire that burns in the all seeing eye.

The Galaxy Christmas Covers

click image for tumblr version --> click tumblr version for the original post by original author to view more.

"This is going to invert on itself, I just know it."

Sponsored Post

And this is where Easter came from...

This will most probably break your brain...

GIF Movie

The Futant Philosophy

Written, I can only assume, as an exercise. I'm thinking that I copied a lot of this from a medical text book or something. Interesting read though.  

Paradox

This was written for a class in high school.

Passive Self-Destruction

Nicotine. Of all the drugs, I would argue that this is the most addictive. It's a purely chemical addiction. There is nothing gained from it. No high, no euphoria. It may calm the nerves, but the only reason your nerves need calming in the first place is because of the addiction.

Most smokers are fully aware that they are inhaling poison. Most don't care. I suppose people smoke for the same reason people drink. At any rate, Bill Hicks on smoking:

The Eternal Torment of an Artist

I've always been hesitant to call myself an artist. I've never been 100% please with any of my completed works. Part of this is that I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to putting concepts into action. I look for the easiest route and most of the time the end result is sloppy.

Anything good that comes about seems like dumb luck. Even when I write, I just let the words slide out without planning anything out. I never create outlines or follow a template.

The above artwork (if you can call it that) was painted on a metal casing from a broken DVD player. I used acrylic paint on metal. Typically a no-no as any real artist knows. You can clearly see the brush strokes and the bristles that came off of the brush as I worked. I used masking tape to separate the colors. One mistake was that I painted the entire surface brown and then blue on top. The sun was made by putting some paint on a water bottle cap and pressing it to the surface. I then added lettering.

If anyone wants to but this piece of crap, I'd gladly sell if for $10. All major forms of cash accepted.

Confessions of a Liberal Conservative

[This was written over a year ago. I'm pretty sure it was previously published, but I'm not sure where or when exactly.]

I am at an interesting time in my life. There are many reasons for this, but one of the biggest impacts to the interest level if my perspective. I am in my late 20’s and all of those rebellious teenage urges and ideals have cascaded away but the erosion is still present.

I grew up in a moderately conservative household. I say moderately because I know friends growing up who were forced to abide by even stricter rules than me (no matter how insane and chaotic) but I also knew others who grew up in much more liberal settings.

My parents never really instilled any sort of political mindset in me. Our household was always more focused on the religious side of things, and politics were rarely mentioned. I’m sure my parents were Reagen/Bush supporters when I was growing up, although they never specified any particular political alignment. I remember asking who they voted for back when Bush Sr. was running for office the first time around. They never said, in fact they said it wasn’t even polite to ask (thanks mom). The reason I know they voted GOP is the fact that they watch certain news stations and read books by people of a certain view.

In 2008 I voted to Obama. I say this with a certain pride and I’m not afraid to tell people if they are so impolite to ask and I am not sorry for it either. But, the focus is not why I voted for Obama, the focus is how did a kid who grew up in a Republican household make such a swing to the Left?

The road to the Left is paved with challenging moments. High school is probably one of the most volatile places for a young mind. This was the first time I questioned my faith and started what some would call a downward spiral (I call it a trek down the thorny road).

It was during this time that I witnessed firsthand, and for the first time, homophobia, drug use, bigotry, religious intolerance, and many other things. I won’t bore you with the details as most of it is mild compared to what goes on every day in other schools, but it came as a bit of culture shock and it was amplified with the fact that it all took place in a private Christian school.

The point is, that all of this was a catalyst that set off a chain of other reactions in my brain and after countless hours of soul-searching and debate, I came to the conclusion that this world in which I found myself in was not the happy go-lucky fairytale land that I had been expecting.

The next stop on the road was my first real job. I don’t count my time working in the corn fields of rural Illinois as a “real” job because it was, for lack of a better word, hell. My first real job was working at a movie theater. I met a lot of very interesting people during my time there (including my wife) and I am still friends with a lot of those people. The work environment there was very different and, unlike high school, I was free to be myself.

The people I worked with had different views on life which further challenged my infantile ideals. Through the years, my world-view molded into something completely different than it ever had been, although I still clung to a lot of the values I had grown up with. I challenged some, explored others. To be perfectly honest, my value system and mindset was very fragmented and chaotic.

After I left the theatre, I went on to work a more traditional job (which I still currently hold). By traditional, I mean cubicle. This was my first taste of the corporate world. A taste I have learned to acquire and despise. The work environment is much different than my time at the theater, but the company I work for promotes and encourages diversity. Because of this, I have had the opportunity to meet even more interesting people with even more exotic and interesting perspectives.

During this time, I was married and had my first child, again, reshaping my own views. One would assume that these two changes would steer me back to the conservative mindset, and that would be a correct assumption, but only partially.

Where I stand now on most political issues is not where I stood five or ten years ago, and I fully expect that my stance may change in the coming years. One thing that I have learned is that with a lot of these issues, if you set down roots and hold your ground on any one issue, you will either be trampled or you will lose ground on other issues.

I had never been much into politics before. In fact, I despised them. To some extent, I still do. In early 2008, I was busy welcoming my daughter into the world, but I noticed, even with my head buried in diapers and bottles, that a change was on the horizon. Not just for me and my family, but for the country.

A previously little-known senator was making the rounds and picking up steam. Say what you will about Obama, but one thing you can’t deny is that he got people interested in politics, for better or worse. I will admit that one of the things that drew me to him at first was that he is from Illinois. Even though he was born in Hawaii (not Kenya!) his roots are in Illinois.

I will confess that back in 2000, I wanted George W. to win. Why? Because I will still stuck in that Republican mindset, although I didn’t fully understand it. After the election of 2000 and the events that followed in 2001 and 2003, I found my faith in the GOP waining. After the 2004 election, my faith in the GOP gave out a death rattle. I did have a naive notion that if John Kerry had won, the war in Iraq would end and everything would be OK.

But this Obama guy was something else. He promised change. I feel that this is one of his campaign promises that he did deliver. Now, over the past two years we have seen something astonishing. The GOP has shed this facade they have had up since before I was born. Obama did something that no other Democratic president had ever done. He caught the GOP off-guard.

Today, we have the Tea Party Movement. This deformed, in-bred love-child of the GOP. The sickest thing about this off-shoot party is that the GOP doesn’t claim ownership, but does very little to distance themselves from these creeps. Not only that, but the movement has always had Christian values mixed in, but with the recent injection by Glenn Beck and his “movement”, the values have become even more distorted.

This group not only claims to be made up of true American patriots, but true Christians. The sick irony of all of this is that they are neither. In fact, they have become the very thing they have set out to fight against.

I could deviate now into a blistering commentary and go down a long list of reasons why I feel this way, but that is for another time. The point I’m getting at is that the Tea Party Movement was the final push for me to bring me in line with the ideals of the Left. But to clarify, I don’t consider myself a full fledged democratic liberal. A lot of this comes from some of the values that I never abandoned, and because of my faith in God and country, I cannot.

Now, it seems strange to me that a group of Americans who claim to be Christian do not hold to its fundamental values. Love, peace, and tolerance. It seems that the only thing the GOP and the TPM are interested in is keeping America English-speaking, white and Christian.

If you have made it this far into my rant, I think I owe you an explanation. I don’t want to make this article about me. I want only to share where I am and why I am. In doing this, I hope to help people understand. Understand what exactly? The mindset of Generation Y.

What this country needs today has nothing to do with protest signs, health care bills, immigration reform, or even Ground Zero Mosques. It needs understanding, patience, and most of all, tolerance. What kind of country would this be if people were afraid to have an opinion? Collectively, we have to pull ourselves out of this nose-dive. Lets put down the signs, attend to the sick and less fortunate, invite our neighbors over, and let our brothers and sisters build their churches and mosques without fear.

Civil War II?

[this was originally published on a now defunct blog I was writing for the FOX Illinois site. I don't recall the actual publication date, but obviously, a lot has transpired since then.]

Are we on the verge of a second Civil War? I doubt it, but some curious things are starting to happen. 

Tensions between Liberals and Conservatives has always been present, but since the 2008 presidential election, this deep-seeded tension seem to have been intensifying.  

Several months ago, social media helped me reconnect with my childhood friend. We had been out of contact for about 15 years. Prior to this reconnection, I really didn't have any knowledge about the Tea Party Movement (TPM or "Teabaggers" as the Left have dubbed them). I had started using Twitter shortly before all of this, but hadn't made all of the "connections" yet.

I noticed that my friend was very passionate about his patriotism. He was calling out "true patriots" in periodic Facebook, MySpace and Twitter posts. Things started to get very strange when he began posting remarks comparing Obama with Hitler and claiming he was a Socialist. I started seeing other comments appearing in other places all around the web.

After a while, my friend and I stopped corresponding. I assume it was because I was never in agreement with a lot of his radical postings and was very clear about this fact. There was a point where I did bring up the subject of a second Civil War. He eluded to the fact that when (not if) this happened, the TPM would be at the forefront and Texas would be the first state to secede from the Union. 

This brought about a fairly scary thought. What if the TPM is militarizing? If they truly saw the Obama administration as an evil power rising to choke Capitalism out of America, who could stop them? Granted, if the TPM attempted to rise against the might of the U.S. Armed forces, it would be more like a crushed riot than an actual war. 

Today, I read a disturbing "tweet" that came across my Twitter feed. It contained a link to an article from biggovernment.com which appears to be a far-right conspiracy column. It was the headline that caught my attention: "CNN, Huffington Post Urge Violence Against Republicans". Contained within in the article is the same "Socialism Hitler" rhetoric that the TPM has been spewing from very early on. The article takes several comments out of context and the author, Kristinn Taylor appears to imply that that Obama administration somehow endorses these comments. The fact is that both the CNN and Huffington posts articles are simply begging Obama to be politically tougher on the GOP for trying to stall talks about Heath-care Reform and whatever hot-button policy is on the cutting board at the moment.  

I said my peace in a comment and moved in, knowing full-well that the psycho-babel would continue on in the comments section (there are some truly scary posts by the way). I didn't think much more of it, until I saw a post (again on Twitter) that Mitt Romney had been threatened on a flight out of Vancouver.

It is very clear at this moment that he was not attacked due to any government sanctioned violence, but as soon as I saw the tweet from @Breakingnews I could already hear the well-oiled conspiracy cogs of the TPM turning. 

As I have mentioned in prior blogs, I am not a conspiracy theorist (although I do find many of them fascinating) and I am also not an extremist. I don't consider myself to be far left (although some of my family members may disagree) and also not far right (because I do possess at least an ounce of common sense). I have always found that there is common ground in most arguments and is better to look at things down the middle. 

With all of that said, I don't really see Liberals taking a violent path against Republicans, because the message of most Liberals is that of peace and cooperation. I do, however, see potentially a misguided member or group from within the TPM or other extremist group orchestrating what would look like a Liberal attack on the far right. I can see some of the commenters from the Big Government post "connecting the dots" to the Mitt Romney article. I just hope the man who threatened Mr. Romney is not tied to any far Left groups. 

My sincere hope is that these tensions can die down a bit and we can all come together as a nation and build something that we can all be proud of, and I really do believe that Obama is trying.

What is a Patriot?

–noun
1. a person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion.
2. a person who regards himself or herself as a defender, esp. of individual rights, against presumed interference by the federal government.
3. ( initial capital letter ) Military. a U.S. Army antiaircraft missile with a range of 37 mi. (60 km) and a 200-lb. (90 kg) warhead, launched from a tracked vehicle with radar and computer guidance and fire control.

In America, we enjoy many freedoms that other countries do not. One of those freedoms is the ability to openly protest the actions of our own government. The various movements that we have seen sprout up in recent years is not unlike the movements from the past. 

Without these movements, we would not have civil rights or women's rights. The patriots of years past have brought us to this point in history.

So, what is a patriot exactly? The definition above seems very clear, although it can be interpreted several ways. The Tea Party Movement (TPM) has been using the term "true patriot" very liberally, although I would imagine that their definition of a "true patriot" would differ slightly from those fighting for gay marriage or immigration reform. 

Before we go into what a patriot is, I think it is important to look at what a patriot is not. I would argue that a patriot is not someone who tramples on the rights of another citizen for the sake of keeping out-dated policies alive. 

The problem with the TPM is that they regard the Constitution as a document that was dictated by God Himself and scrawled onto stone tablets by the founding fathers. The problem with this notion is that the Constitution is not a perfect document. In fact, it was meant only as a foundation; and what good is a foundation if you cannot build upon it? This is why there are 27 amendments to date. 

Now, what I would add to the definition of a patriot is that a patriot is someone loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotions - while openly looking for ways to improve his or her country.

The TPM's "true patriot" may fit the definition of defender, but they are ignoring the individual rights of entire demographics in order to defend against what they perceive as a threat to their own rights. I have no doubt that many of these people do truly love their country, but it is the love of a small child squeezing his or her pet to death. 

As Roger Ebert tweeted, "Every time Sarah Palin uses the term "patriot," she seems to be implying she owns it and has the power to bestow it."

[this was originally published in November 2010 on a now defunct blog I was writing for the FOX Illinois site]

Chronicle of Depression, Part 4: Everything is OK

"How are you doing today?"
"How's it going?"
"What's up?"

I have cookie cutter answers to all of these questions. We all do. Main reason being that the real answer would be so complex that we'd just stand and talk for hours and eventually start crying on each others' shoulders like some twisted support group, either that or someone would get dropped like Cain dropped Abel.

At the moment, my honest answer would go something like this:

"Well, I'm stuck in a shit job. I mean, the pay is decent, benefits are good, but all the rungs on the corporate ladder have been removed. My job performance has been lacking, mostly on purpose. A lateral move within the company is nearly impossible. My voice of reason is daily drowned out by company rhetoric. The stress I deal with on a daily basis on the job is relative to being an ambassador between a spoiled, screaming 3-year -old and its super rich and oblivious parent. I can't find a different, less stressful job with the same benefits. I regret not going to college, even though I'm fairly certain it would have been a waste of time and money as almost all of my peers who have finished college are in jobs where their degree means nothing. I'm dealing with burnout and depression and possibly a more serious mental illness while my diet consists of coffee, cigarettes and fast food. I feel guilty for feeling down because it seems like I'm being selfish about my petty problems. I successfully keep up a false aura of  happiness toward my co-workers, family, and friends. I'm afraid to share my true thoughts and feelings because I'm almost certain I'd be dragged kicking and screaming into a mental ward. Other than that festering bag of self-loathing bullshit, flipping fantastic. How are you?"

I eat emo kids for breakfast.

P.S. My safe zone is home. There are no domestic issues. My wife is my anchor and my child is my light. I'm getting better every day. I've figured out that my job is what is killing me. Unfortunately, it's not something that's going to be easy to fix. The only coworkers that care are powerless to change anything. I'm just going to have to suck it up for a while. I have my crutches (caffeine and nicotine). It may be poison, but at least it's not alcohol and narcotics.

Chronicle of Depression, Part 3: Generational Schism

One of the failings of my generation, and at least 3 generations past, is that we are taught that the world is a certain way. We can get out there and actually start experiencing life, after about 10 years or so, we start to realize that the world is nothing like we were taught. 

In fact, when were are being taught about the world, it is taught from the perspective of the previous generation.  I suppose there is no real fault in this, because what else does each generation have to pull from? The world has changes so much in just the past 50 years, that almost nothing remains constant from one decade to another. The learning curve is broken. 

The truth is, the world is what we make it. We go out there with a foundation, some more stable than others. The smart ones roll with it, the weak ones are overcome by it, but the dumb ones just hum a tune and keep walking without looking. 

The "old guard" will do a lot of finger pointing and repeating the mantra of "I told you so." As counter productive as that is, it is their right. They lived, loved, lost.

I could go on and on how we are the "generation of entitlement", how we expect everything to be handed to us while being coddled. It's true, but how did we get that way? My generation grew up in the richest economy in the world, at least here in America. We reward ruthlessness and greed. "Smile as you kill." Respect authority at all costs, blindly follow, OBEY. 

America wasn't built on greed. Some would argue this point. I do, at times. I think a modern parallel to the Revolutionary war era are the people today who challenge the status quo. The people who refused to roll over for another beating. Those who refuse to stand in line. Those who spit in the eye of authority. And yet there are those who defend the injustice. They find any twisted way to justify injustice. Then, like some chemical reaction in slow motion, events reach a boiling point. 

This is what makes us human. This ever-churning internal conflict. It may not be healthy all of the time, but we need it. We need it like a child needs stimulation. Without it, our society would wither and die. We'd forgot how to love, but we would also forget how to hate. We forget how to live. 

For my own self, I think there has been a conflict churning inside me for years...hell, probably since the day I was born. I've been and still am naive. I've been devout and rebellious. I'm been conformist and non-conformist. I've been conservative and liberal. I've been Christ and Antichrist. I've been bloated with soul and soul-less. My heart has bled many times over and it has been cold as stone. 

All the while I've been silent. Held back by this unknown fear that is ever-present and relentless. I made a decision today that I would dig my heels in. I need to start standing my ground. I need to fight back the fear. 

'Black Christmas' at Copro Gallery

Read the full story [here]. 

Well, Tumblr is down so here is a post about ordinary people on disposable objects.

This is how the world ends.

Scientists working to create the first working time machine, develop a method to propel matter at the speed of light. A slight miscalculation causes the entire planet to move at the speed of light for a fraction of a second. The moon, however; is unaffected. The timing of the incident and the distance traveled causes the moon to be caught in Earth's gravity and causes the two celestial bodies to hurtle toward each other at an alarming rate.

In a matter of hours, the moon turns blood red as it makes contact with the atmosphere and fills the whole sky. Unbearable heat affects those facing the brunt of the impact, they die horribly before the impact occurs. The resulting shock wave sends a tsunami of matter hurtling around the globe. The other side of the planet is blown out and the shock wave also meets at this point, reverberating several times across the planet.

The man, who was the test subject of the time travel incident that led to this, is hurtled thousands of years into the future. He finds himself in a world very alien to the one we know today.

A Chronicle of Depression, Part Two: Fear and Loathing

We have a bat in the basement. At least, I think we do. I’m the only one who has seen it. I’m fairly certain that it’s not a hallucination. You see, we’ve had bats in the house before. Even birds and bees (yes really). Confirmed and seen by other members of my family and friends, so my certainty is reality is rooted in other witness accounts.
I made a connection the other day with this bat and my recent barrage of depression. I’m tying to be humorous about it, and we’ll see if this works.
I’ve dealt with bats indoors several times. And each time, I can’t help but remember a certain scene from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” where Raul Duke is crouched slightly, swatting at those “goddamn animals” with a flyswatter. This is exactly how I dealt with these bats and where the connection starts to take shape.
As mentioned in the previous Chronicle, this latest bout came out of nowhere. This is how the bats make their presence known. The latest bat swooped out of a dark chamber in my basement. It zipped right by my head. Instinctively, I hit the floor and looked for the nearest weapon; a metal ruler. I waited, crouched behind a table waiting for the infernal thing to swoop back into the room. It never did. I waddled, almost on hands and knees, back to the basement stairs, metal ruler clutched tightly in my fist. It never showed up, and  I haven’t seen it since.
This is how I’ve been dealing with my depression. It swoops silently out of the darkness of my mind, scaring the living shit out of me. I crouch, waiting for it to swoop back. Normally, it isn’t seen for weeks or months, but lately, it seems to be circling slightly. Each time I stand upright and confident, it emerges from the dark once again to terrorize me.
I’m not sure why bats scare me so much. It may be the threat of rabies even at the slightest touch, or the fact that they flap around without making a noise. Once again, I come back to what I’m thinking is the source of all of this. Fear. And again, I have to ask, fear of what.
So, this is the ultimate quest on this journey. Fear is the mind-killer. I have to find this fear and destroy it. Beat it with a metal ruler. Beat it bloody and kill it dead.

One thing is for certain: I can’t stop here, this is bat country.

A Chronicle of Depression, Part One

[originally posted to Facebook on 12/11/11]

I’m not sure if it has been obvious, and I know some of my close friends have picked up on it, but I’ve been a little “off” lately. It’s odd, but that’s the best word I can think to describe it. I have not been myself.

I have always been a little reclusive. Well, very much reclusive compared to most people. I’ve always been described as shy, quiet and laid-back. Really, that just scrapes the surface. We are all very complex beings. We create facades that we use in different environments in our day-to-day lives.
I am no different. My work facade is professional, quietly humorous and overall nice guy. At home, I am a goofball, much more humorous (I like to think so anyway), but also affectionate, loving, and so on. I blossom more at home because I can relax my rigid exterior. When I’m around friends, I try to be the cool guy (and typically fail miserably).
I have found that, unintentionally, I have been keeping these facets rigidly separate. Underneath everything, I keep my emotions in check (which is why I have that laid-back aspect). Aside from all of this, those who truly know me, know that I am deeply emotional. The river runs deep, as they say.
Now, to the point. I’m sure if you are reading this, you may not really care where I’m going with this, but please keep in mind one thing. I’m putting this out there for my benefit. Is it a cry for attention? Honestly, yes. In part. The reason I want attention is for several reasons. Sick people don’t get help by keeping silent. I don’t expect sympathy. I don’t want it. This is therapeutic. This is healing.
Over the last few days, I’ve been hit unexpectedly with a wall of depression. As far as the trigger, it’s hard to say. I place blame on no one. I’m not even sure what it was. I have been dealing my depression for almost ten years, without medication and without professional help. I’ve done alright. But this recent episode was like something I have never felt before.
The best way I can think to explain it, well...the only way I can explain it is like the emotional one deals with at the death of a loved one. The problem is, there is no reason for the emotions, just the tidal wave of sadness and fear.
The most terrible thing about all of this, is how I’ve been internally punishing myself. “Men don’t cry. You have reason to feel like this. There are so many other people who have it much worse than you.” It’s a cycle...a spiral that has no end.
After several hours of these internal violent arguments, I realized that I needed help. Flashes of suicidal images, feelings, impulses even. I’ve dealt with this before, but never ever at this magnitude. It’s enough to rip your soul. Guilt, remorse, fear.

Fear. That is the catalyst. But fear of what?

This is different. Not only are the emotions more intense, but I’ve noticed very odd mood swings. Violent mood swings. Uncontrollable rage. Sweeping despair. Beaming giddiness. All of this very exhausting.
So here I am, roughly 3 days after the episode. I’ve crawled from the rubble. Swept it under the rug. Put a smile on. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m alright and that I’ll press on. I have to believe this. But there is still the smoldering cinder of doubt threatening to ignite the inferno.
Luckily, I have the best family any human being could ever hope for. I’ve always know this. So very very very lucky. If not for my family, I would have been dead years ago. Any time that pesky suicide creature rears it’s ugly head, it hits the solid foundation of love and admiration and scurries back into depths.
But that part of it. The suicide. That’s where the fear is. Those thoughts truly scare me. It’s a sign of desperation. Inside of me there is a part that is screaming to be freed. Something that is suffering to the point that a plea for release is screaming from the depths to the point that my ears are ringing. I hear the screams but I don’t know where they are coming from.

It sounds crazy, because it is. Literally.